Tuesday, June 20, 2017

So... What have you been up to for the past Two Years??!!!

Me??  Well... kinda the usual shit..

I had started dating someone in the June of 2015.. Turned out to be a fucking joke.  While it only lasted a month or so, it made me doubt myself.  It was part of the viscous circle of self-doubt and my ability to judge who I could let into my life.  I felt like an utter failure.  I strove to be the person my kids could look up to, and feel safe in their own decisions, .... because I set a good example.  Ha!

So.. who was I to put out on the interwebs my thoughts and life, when it was in disarray??  He was not the usual alcoholic.. he was the abuser of anything he could get his hands on.  He was more than my daughter's dad was, and didn't just drink to pacify past hurts, mental abuse, and loss.  Which in a way was the same, but still it was different.

This person, drank all the alcohol just because it was in the house, and he had access to it.  He stole painkiller drugs after his grandpa died, and he could.  He was the person, who hid it all, just to keep up appearances.  He wore the button down shirts, acted a certain way around his parents... He still had issues that he must look normal to the outside world, and tried to drag me down that rabbit hole.  AND.. I went along with it, very briefly, but I did.  I changed my hair color from the purple that it was, to a normal brown, to help him relate to his dying grandmother.  To have her accept him and his choices, that ultimately had nothing to do with me.

He was the kind of alcoholic that would lose loss of bodily functions because he was too drunk. I tried to get him into rehab, and all that.  But, he ultimately didn't care, and still doesn't from the last I heard of him about a year ago.  He came out of rehab after three months, and immediately went to the store and bought beer, bragging about having been dry for three months.....

So... I remained single for another year.  Met a girl.  Met her at work..  BTW... NEVER PLAY AT WORK... UGH!!!  AND I knew so much better, but... she made me laugh.  I haven't laughed in a long time, and I like to play with pussy.. What else can I say, I am someone who likes to play with pussy, and then let her go.  But I really tried for a relationship this time.  I thought I had found someone who could understand my issues, because she had been through enough in her own life.  While I was the "cougar" in the relationship, I again became aware of what was lacking in maturity on her part.

I have learned that young or old, it is mental awareness that makes the person. I kept telling myself that all the red flags that were appearing, were just me having self doubt, and being so cold hearted to relationships.  It wasn't the case.  If there were issues with me, suddenly the issues became hers and she was the victim... really, my hormone imbalance that we discussed intimately about, was now "bullshit hormone excuses"?? 

I literally circled the date on the calendar to put it into perspective.  Only a month and fifteen days after making a "commitment" to her, she was playing the drama queen that had absolutely nothing to do with her.  It was a chemical issue on my part, that I communicated to her in all open honesty.  Yet, she chose to turn it against me.  Much like all the conversations that I said I am being open and honest with her about where I was mentally and physically.  She had her own demons, and didn't ever resolve them.

She never understood the concept that if you take a piece of paper, roll it up into a ball, and try to straighten it out... it would never, ever, be the same piece of paper it was before.  It would always have wrinkles, and you should watch out for what you say.

There was a red flag from the beginning, she said she was literally a "coke-whore" and would do/say anything that she needed to get her fix in her younger days. About a decade before I met her, I chalked it up to her younger years and abuse she said she had went through.  She used the example of the sea salt packet that you get from when you get a piercing, to show the amount of coke she would do in a day.  I started to watch her closely after that... like I always do, (I learned it from my ex-husband and his habits) but still try to give the benefit of the doubt of clouded judgement, and being lost.  Like I hope other do of me.  She went on to say she had been disowned by her family because they were religious, and she was a lesbian, and she left without notice to her family after her grandma died.  Which had affected her so much, she just bailed to another state... where she was mentally abused by her then wife... who later she claimed says her ex-wife didn't know if they were actually divorced.....  Ding Ding Ding.. more bells going off.  

So... after giving it my all, and with my all I do admit it was within my own perimeters, because I am a jaded person.. I finally left after two more betrayals, third time is a charm.  Ultimately, she lied.  She lied about one to many important issues.

I am coming out of my shell.  I am coming into where I want to be, and getting back to me.  I now have an outside friend who helps me work through things, not someone from work.  Which had been most of my life the past few many years.  I treasure this!  It is so needed, and a welcome change.

Will I overstress myself and try to write weekly... no, but I will commit to write at least once a month.  Covering one of the topics in my title.. I started it for a reason.  I am not perfect, and I am not innocent, but I did give the benefit of the doubt.  I am having a plan, and I hope it isn't just a manic high type of a situation, where I think I have something good happening, and just bail on it.  I have goals.. I want to get there.  I know I will have setbacks, but I will work to overcome them..

Happy Solstice!!!!!
Until the next time, and we talk about majick....
White Light and Blessing to All!  <3