Friday, October 20, 2017

Let's see, we are on the Sex part of the title.....

As you can tell by my absence, I must have been in my own little world.

And I was, and it was fun.  I was part of a "throuple" ... dating a married couple.  And it was fun, and I was able to go out and have people that I wanted to actually hang out with.  Whether it was just to sit and watch a movie or go out and watch some local bands.  Music and massages were the normal thing.

Of course you see this was all written in past tense, and is no longer a thing, other than a loose friendship with my original friend.  It was a long shot, considering the back story.  Which I almost went into here, but have decided against it.  Somethings just don't need to be mentioned to the world.  But it has opened me up to the idea of maybe trying to find someone who can share my interests with again.  I missed the companionship of having someone to talk to other than my young, but adult daughter.

I am going to try writing for the NaNoWriMo competition again this November.  It's a 30 day competition where you write a 50,000 word novel.  I started a book a couple of years ago, and will be working on it again.  I have more character ideas and plot lines to add, and will use the tarot cards to create adventures.. well, maybe misadventures... but I will be writing something.

I have also finally heard of a site of production collaboration, 
It has been around for about nine years, and I just heard of it last week!  They had an emmy winning TV show, that I barely remember hearing of, because I do not have regular TV.  Had I, I would probably known about them sooner. I have already did two voice samples.  And am looking forward to getting into the screenwriting section as well.  This is where the world is part of the production team, and are all contributors, which Joseph Gordon-Levitt  is the director, ultimately.

This site sounds so exciting, because I can do things "behind the scenes", as it were.  I can be an animated person with a lot more confidence, when I'm not being watched doing it.  Does that make sense??  Kinda like me writing on this blog... I mean I don't say anything on here I haven't, or wouldn't say in real life.  But, to animate myself for "characters", now that is a different story. I think I have found myself a creative outlet.

So please check out the links, and have a fun exploring!

Sunday, July 23, 2017


Recently I had the joy and opportunity to take my son, daughter in law, and daughter to go see an amazing concert.
Def Leppard are my boys! I love them so much I have them tattooed on my left upper bicep.  Tesla had always had my heart from listening to them and seeing them with Def Leppard in the late 80s. And many a great memory of listening to Poison with my high school best friend.
Both of my kids, 27 and 18, have said that they wish the grew up in my era. They love my music... at least a hell of a lot of it.. ha ha
So I finally was able to take my son, who's favorite band Poison, and everyone to a concert in June.
Sound was awesome, all vocals on point. Performances were from all was spectacular!
It was a great momma moment for me. The best  a part of course was the happiness of the kids, and the biggest surprise was my daughter saying, "Wow, I can't believe I just saw Def Leppard! "
I was able to take them to see Motley Crue on their farewell tour, and they loved it.
I took my daughter to see Chevelle shortly there after, but this by far was the greatest reaction so far.
It makes my heart happy to know I could do a little something to make them as happy as I when I see my band play.

Monday, July 3, 2017

Protection Majick... What are the limits??

So after reading an inspiring comment.. I wonder.. can you really keep yourself  from being that jaded?

Can you cast a spell or create a charm to keep yourself from being hurt?

Nope, it is all just a crap shoot.  You either decide to throw yourself out there, or you hide in the shadows.  I am to the point of not hiding any more.  Yes, I am a fuck up.  Yes, I don't follow through.  But. I will give my all to those who accept me, and understand that when I say I am a fuck up, and I told you all of my weaknesses from the beginning and you chose to use them against me, so be it.

I want to love, but am to bad of a character witness to allow that.  

I think that is the greatest power you can have.

You lie, cheat, and steal from me.. and still I will survive.

I will suck at life for awhile, but I am still standing.  Yes, I am in a moment in glory.  Yea for me.  Will it last?? I hope it does.  Will I retreat to past habits and hide... Yep, I am sure I will.  This is me, this is my life.

I can, and always will, be the one who looks at life in a positive manner, knowing the true consequences of my decisions.  I tried to reach out, I tried to lay it all out on the table, I gave the benefit of the doubt.  Sometimes things just throw you for a fucking loop.  If you don't like what I have to say..scroll on by.. trust me I won't be butt hurt.  If you have a truly thought provoking comment, please post.  I want to learn.  Trolls need not apply... you are a waste of space and you know it. Truly you do, but you have to try to big somehow.

I know I want many things in my life, I have burnt the sage, I have tried to come to grips with the fact I should just be alone.  Underneath it all... I want to have intimate relationships, and I  want to let the guard down.  But, my hopes are to high, and I can be okay with that.  Not always happy, but okay. 

I will cast my circle, I will continue to Protect myself with the knowledge that I have.  No one is meant to be utterly alone, and that is not possible unless you truly keep yourself locked away.  For those, I want to help.  Can I help an AskHole.. nope... But do you really want to talk?? I can give my two cents worth.  You may not like my answer, but I am honest with you.

So, throw me a line.. I will either give you a mind blowing reality, or give you fuel to burn your own fire.. what do you have to lose?  You tell me.....

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

So... What have you been up to for the past Two Years??!!!

Me??  Well... kinda the usual shit..

I had started dating someone in the June of 2015.. Turned out to be a fucking joke.  While it only lasted a month or so, it made me doubt myself.  It was part of the viscous circle of self-doubt and my ability to judge who I could let into my life.  I felt like an utter failure.  I strove to be the person my kids could look up to, and feel safe in their own decisions, .... because I set a good example.  Ha!

So.. who was I to put out on the interwebs my thoughts and life, when it was in disarray??  He was not the usual alcoholic.. he was the abuser of anything he could get his hands on.  He was more than my daughter's dad was, and didn't just drink to pacify past hurts, mental abuse, and loss.  Which in a way was the same, but still it was different.

This person, drank all the alcohol just because it was in the house, and he had access to it.  He stole painkiller drugs after his grandpa died, and he could.  He was the person, who hid it all, just to keep up appearances.  He wore the button down shirts, acted a certain way around his parents... He still had issues that he must look normal to the outside world, and tried to drag me down that rabbit hole.  AND.. I went along with it, very briefly, but I did.  I changed my hair color from the purple that it was, to a normal brown, to help him relate to his dying grandmother.  To have her accept him and his choices, that ultimately had nothing to do with me.

He was the kind of alcoholic that would lose loss of bodily functions because he was too drunk. I tried to get him into rehab, and all that.  But, he ultimately didn't care, and still doesn't from the last I heard of him about a year ago.  He came out of rehab after three months, and immediately went to the store and bought beer, bragging about having been dry for three months.....

So... I remained single for another year.  Met a girl.  Met her at work..  BTW... NEVER PLAY AT WORK... UGH!!!  AND I knew so much better, but... she made me laugh.  I haven't laughed in a long time, and I like to play with pussy.. What else can I say, I am someone who likes to play with pussy, and then let her go.  But I really tried for a relationship this time.  I thought I had found someone who could understand my issues, because she had been through enough in her own life.  While I was the "cougar" in the relationship, I again became aware of what was lacking in maturity on her part.

I have learned that young or old, it is mental awareness that makes the person. I kept telling myself that all the red flags that were appearing, were just me having self doubt, and being so cold hearted to relationships.  It wasn't the case.  If there were issues with me, suddenly the issues became hers and she was the victim... really, my hormone imbalance that we discussed intimately about, was now "bullshit hormone excuses"?? 

I literally circled the date on the calendar to put it into perspective.  Only a month and fifteen days after making a "commitment" to her, she was playing the drama queen that had absolutely nothing to do with her.  It was a chemical issue on my part, that I communicated to her in all open honesty.  Yet, she chose to turn it against me.  Much like all the conversations that I said I am being open and honest with her about where I was mentally and physically.  She had her own demons, and didn't ever resolve them.

She never understood the concept that if you take a piece of paper, roll it up into a ball, and try to straighten it out... it would never, ever, be the same piece of paper it was before.  It would always have wrinkles, and you should watch out for what you say.

There was a red flag from the beginning, she said she was literally a "coke-whore" and would do/say anything that she needed to get her fix in her younger days. About a decade before I met her, I chalked it up to her younger years and abuse she said she had went through.  She used the example of the sea salt packet that you get from when you get a piercing, to show the amount of coke she would do in a day.  I started to watch her closely after that... like I always do, (I learned it from my ex-husband and his habits) but still try to give the benefit of the doubt of clouded judgement, and being lost.  Like I hope other do of me.  She went on to say she had been disowned by her family because they were religious, and she was a lesbian, and she left without notice to her family after her grandma died.  Which had affected her so much, she just bailed to another state... where she was mentally abused by her then wife... who later she claimed says her ex-wife didn't know if they were actually divorced.....  Ding Ding Ding.. more bells going off.  

So... after giving it my all, and with my all I do admit it was within my own perimeters, because I am a jaded person.. I finally left after two more betrayals, third time is a charm.  Ultimately, she lied.  She lied about one to many important issues.

I am coming out of my shell.  I am coming into where I want to be, and getting back to me.  I now have an outside friend who helps me work through things, not someone from work.  Which had been most of my life the past few many years.  I treasure this!  It is so needed, and a welcome change.

Will I overstress myself and try to write weekly... no, but I will commit to write at least once a month.  Covering one of the topics in my title.. I started it for a reason.  I am not perfect, and I am not innocent, but I did give the benefit of the doubt.  I am having a plan, and I hope it isn't just a manic high type of a situation, where I think I have something good happening, and just bail on it.  I have goals.. I want to get there.  I know I will have setbacks, but I will work to overcome them..

Happy Solstice!!!!!
Until the next time, and we talk about majick....
White Light and Blessing to All!  <3

Sunday, October 25, 2015

Holy Hell!! WTF happened....

Oh ...
As previously mentioned I was looking for work, found a job, still struggled with finances.. which always sends me into a tailspin emotionally.  Finally started dating someone, that went to heck in a hand basket really quick.  Disappointment, but what can you do for someone who takes no interest in actually helping themselves.  Let myself get caught up in the moment, and dropped off the face of the earth, yet again.  I truly hate being a flake.   Yet, I still try not to beat myself up over it because, what good does that do any one??

I have so many ideas of things to do and write about, yet I let insecurities and laziness get the best of me.  But one thing I did realize is that I truly need to take my Vitamin D3 if I am going to function more than just go to work and come home and be a couch potato.  Weird sounding I know, but it is true.  I remember going to my doctor for a check up when I turned forty and part of it was to check my vitamin D levels.. they were at 17, this being the middle of Spring.  When you should be out getting some sun at least some form of sunlight.. nope, not me, I was a graveyard working couch potato.  My doc said he had never seen levels so low, especially at that time of year.  So I am now trying to take a supplement everyday, and boy howdy, do I notice the difference when I so not take them.  I am working new hours at a new job. I enjoy it and by joining the NaNoWriMo Challenge, I am hoping to create a daily habit.  One I hope will bleed over into other subjects/areas of my life.

I will be using the start of the characters that I created that year and a half ago, and developing them and also sharing here as much as I can.  (I just realized I had better check the fine print on that aspect) but anyway, I'm still here, and hope I can get my schnaa together enough to do something without fear, with an open heart, and with persistence over anything that I may perceive as a hinderence!

Friday, May 30, 2014

Rock N Roll Queen.....

Aahhh, how fitting I am a week late for this post, but made the release for this song ... and of course it is from Joe Elliott of Def Leppard and The Quire Boys.  Paying a bit of homage to one of the musicians/bands that inspired them as kids growing up... "Mott the Hoople, and various side projects of Mott, Ian Hunter, and British Lions" (Link to article)   Much like I would love to do to show my appreciation of what Def Leppard has done for me over the past 30+ years.

Def Leppard has been in my life since about the sixth or seventh grade. They have been my passion ever since.  The melodies, harmonies, rhythm, and lyrics take me to someplace I can get lost in and find my passions again.  I think it is the echoing background vocals and harmonies that play against the lead vocals that really does it for me. You see I used to sing in choir back in the day, and vocalists are my downfall.. hehe   (Although I usually end up with a drummer... what's up with that??) 

I even have their Def Leppard logo tattooed on my left upper arm... yes, that dedicated!  And I will be seeing them when they are with KISS this Summer!! But there are other bands I truly love as well, way too many to name, but I will tell you a few for right now because they are on the top of my brain at the moment.

Next is KiLLeR DWaRfS, one of the good things about my daughter's dad was his taste in music. (I honestly think I stayed with him as long as I did b/c of that... but that's another story!)  He introduced me to so many bands that most people had not heard of yet, Killer Dwarfs was among them.  They are without a doubt, one of the most lyrically inspiring bands out there.  And yes, I know there are more bands out there as well, but these guys for some reason have a special spot in my heart, and brain because I can get Keep That Spirit Alive, Stand Tall, We Stand Alone, and/or Dirty Weapons to name a few, stuck in my head all day long... and in such a great way!  It puts a kick in my step and a smile on my face.  And then there is the new one from last Summer, Start@One album that I need to pick up.  I've heard it on Spotify and love it.

I was a little freaked out when I heard that they were in a five car accident after leaving the Rocklahoma Festival just the other day.  Russ Dwarf (vocalist) was injured with non life threatening injuries, and has been released and they are all back home in Canada now.

So on to another band, and vocalist that I love, Kevin Martin and Candlebox.  There is an overall sound that I get lost in with this band.  Like other bands, I get transported, I get lost in the sound.  Music is my meditation, it is my mind altering experience, where I can go to release all the good and all of the bad.  I have other genres that I listen to as well, and different styles of rock I enjoy as well.  I will cover all as this series progresses.  But music is the one true thing that I can say "I belong" too, it has never let me down, it has never argued with me about their opinion, and has always fed my passion.  I don't follow sports or other media celebrities, and music is my drug of choice.  Back in the HS days all I wanted was a soda and my music.  It is becoming full circle now, because that is where I seem to be as well.  (Rarely drink or have cigs anymore.. we are talking months inbetween!)

Well as I seem to be almost rambling now... either that or I am getting to caught up in my music (KiLLeR DWaRfS of Spotify)  I hope you enjoy the links, and the journey as I go floating through all of the tunes that bring passion to me!  White Light and Blessings!  <3

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Chris Page of Cups is posted!

So much for taking a power nap at night.. I shoulda known better!  But I think I will do some inside Spring cleaning today since as I am writing this my sunny day turned to a downpour... so no weed-eating my jungle in the backyard today!

And also as I write this I notice there is a schedule button on the right side of my screen... I think I will check that out do posts are posted on time!  Yes, welcome to my world!  ;)