Let's see, we are on the Sex part of the title.....

As you can tell by my absence, I must have been in my own little world.

And I was, and it was fun.  I was part of a "throuple" ... dating a married couple.  And it was fun, and I was able to go out and have people that I wanted to actually hang out with.  Whether it was just to sit and watch a movie or go out and watch some local bands.  Music and massages were the normal thing.

Of course you see this was all written in past tense, and is no longer a thing, other than a loose friendship with my original friend.  It was a long shot, considering the back story.  Which I almost went into here, but have decided against it.  Somethings just don't need to be mentioned to the world.  But it has opened me up to the idea of maybe trying to find someone who can share my interests with again.  I missed the companionship of having someone to talk to other than my young, but adult daughter.

I am going to try writing for the NaNoWriMo competition again this November.  It's a 30 day competition where you write a 50,000 word novel.  I started a book a couple of years ago, and will be working on it again.  I have more character ideas and plot lines to add, and will use the tarot cards to create adventures.. well, maybe misadventures... but I will be writing something.

I have also finally heard of a site of production collaboration, hitRECord.org 
It has been around for about nine years, and I just heard of it last week!  They had an emmy winning TV show, that I barely remember hearing of, because I do not have regular TV.  Had I, I would probably known about them sooner. I have already did two voice samples.  And am looking forward to getting into the screenwriting section as well.  This is where the world is part of the production team, and are all contributors, which Joseph Gordon-Levitt  is the director, ultimately.

This site sounds so exciting, because I can do things "behind the scenes", as it were.  I can be an animated person with a lot more confidence, when I'm not being watched doing it.  Does that make sense??  Kinda like me writing on this blog... I mean I don't say anything on here I haven't, or wouldn't say in real life.  But, to animate myself for "characters", now that is a different story. I think I have found myself a creative outlet.

So please check out the links, and have a fun exploring!

Concert

Recently I had the joy and opportunity to take my son, daughter in law, and daughter to go see an amazing concert.
Def Leppard are my boys! I love them so much I have them tattooed on my left upper bicep.  Tesla had always had my heart from listening to them and seeing them with Def Leppard in the late 80s. And many a great memory of listening to Poison with my high school best friend.
Both of my kids, 27 and 18, have said that they wish the grew up in my era. They love my music... at least a hell of a lot of it.. ha ha
So I finally was able to take my son, who's favorite band Poison, and everyone to a concert in June.
Sound was awesome, all vocals on point. Performances were from all was spectacular!
It was a great momma moment for me. The best  a part of course was the happiness of the kids, and the biggest surprise was my daughter saying, "Wow, I can't believe I just saw Def Leppard! "
I was able to take them to see Motley Crue on their farewell tour, and they loved it.
I took my daughter to see Chevelle shortly there after, but this by far was the greatest reaction so far.
It makes my heart happy to know I could do a little something to make them as happy as I when I see my band play.

Protection Majick... What are the limits??

So after reading an inspiring comment.. I wonder.. can you really keep yourself  from being that jaded?

Can you cast a spell or create a charm to keep yourself from being hurt?

Nope, it is all just a crap shoot.  You either decide to throw yourself out there, or you hide in the shadows.  I am to the point of not hiding any more.  Yes, I am a fuck up.  Yes, I don't follow through.  But. I will give my all to those who accept me, and understand that when I say I am a fuck up, and I told you all of my weaknesses from the beginning and you chose to use them against me, so be it.

I want to love, but am to bad of a character witness to allow that.  

I think that is the greatest power you can have.

You lie, cheat, and steal from me.. and still I will survive.

I will suck at life for awhile, but I am still standing.  Yes, I am in a moment in glory.  Yea for me.  Will it last?? I hope it does.  Will I retreat to past habits and hide... Yep, I am sure I will.  This is me, this is my life.

I can, and always will, be the one who looks at life in a positive manner, knowing the true consequences of my decisions.  I tried to reach out, I tried to lay it all out on the table, I gave the benefit of the doubt.  Sometimes things just throw you for a fucking loop.  If you don't like what I have to say..scroll on by.. trust me I won't be butt hurt.  If you have a truly thought provoking comment, please post.  I want to learn.  Trolls need not apply... you are a waste of space and you know it. Truly you do, but you have to try to big somehow.

I know I want many things in my life, I have burnt the sage, I have tried to come to grips with the fact I should just be alone.  Underneath it all... I want to have intimate relationships, and I  want to let the guard down.  But, my hopes are to high, and I can be okay with that.  Not always happy, but okay. 

I will cast my circle, I will continue to Protect myself with the knowledge that I have.  No one is meant to be utterly alone, and that is not possible unless you truly keep yourself locked away.  For those, I want to help.  Can I help an AskHole.. nope... But do you really want to talk?? I can give my two cents worth.  You may not like my answer, but I am honest with you.

So, throw me a line.. I will either give you a mind blowing reality, or give you fuel to burn your own fire.. what do you have to lose?  You tell me.....

So... What have you been up to for the past Two Years??!!!

Me??  Well... kinda the usual shit..

I had started dating someone in the June of 2015.. Turned out to be a fucking joke.  While it only lasted a month or so, it made me doubt myself.  It was part of the viscous circle of self-doubt and my ability to judge who I could let into my life.  I felt like an utter failure.  I strove to be the person my kids could look up to, and feel safe in their own decisions, .... because I set a good example.  Ha!

So.. who was I to put out on the interwebs my thoughts and life, when it was in disarray??  He was not the usual alcoholic.. he was the abuser of anything he could get his hands on.  He was more than my daughter's dad was, and didn't just drink to pacify past hurts, mental abuse, and loss.  Which in a way was the same, but still it was different.

This person, drank all the alcohol just because it was in the house, and he had access to it.  He stole painkiller drugs after his grandpa died, and he could.  He was the person, who hid it all, just to keep up appearances.  He wore the button down shirts, acted a certain way around his parents... He still had issues that he must look normal to the outside world, and tried to drag me down that rabbit hole.  AND.. I went along with it, very briefly, but I did.  I changed my hair color from the purple that it was, to a normal brown, to help him relate to his dying grandmother.  To have her accept him and his choices, that ultimately had nothing to do with me.

He was the kind of alcoholic that would lose loss of bodily functions because he was too drunk. I tried to get him into rehab, and all that.  But, he ultimately didn't care, and still doesn't from the last I heard of him about a year ago.  He came out of rehab after three months, and immediately went to the store and bought beer, bragging about having been dry for three months.....

So... I remained single for another year.  Met a girl.  Met her at work..  BTW... NEVER PLAY AT WORK... UGH!!!  AND I knew so much better, but... she made me laugh.  I haven't laughed in a long time, and I like to play with pussy.. What else can I say, I am someone who likes to play with pussy, and then let her go.  But I really tried for a relationship this time.  I thought I had found someone who could understand my issues, because she had been through enough in her own life.  While I was the "cougar" in the relationship, I again became aware of what was lacking in maturity on her part.

I have learned that young or old, it is mental awareness that makes the person. I kept telling myself that all the red flags that were appearing, were just me having self doubt, and being so cold hearted to relationships.  It wasn't the case.  If there were issues with me, suddenly the issues became hers and she was the victim... really, my hormone imbalance that we discussed intimately about, was now "bullshit hormone excuses"?? 

I literally circled the date on the calendar to put it into perspective.  Only a month and fifteen days after making a "commitment" to her, she was playing the drama queen that had absolutely nothing to do with her.  It was a chemical issue on my part, that I communicated to her in all open honesty.  Yet, she chose to turn it against me.  Much like all the conversations that I said I am being open and honest with her about where I was mentally and physically.  She had her own demons, and didn't ever resolve them.

She never understood the concept that if you take a piece of paper, roll it up into a ball, and try to straighten it out... it would never, ever, be the same piece of paper it was before.  It would always have wrinkles, and you should watch out for what you say.

There was a red flag from the beginning, she said she was literally a "coke-whore" and would do/say anything that she needed to get her fix in her younger days. About a decade before I met her, I chalked it up to her younger years and abuse she said she had went through.  She used the example of the sea salt packet that you get from when you get a piercing, to show the amount of coke she would do in a day.  I started to watch her closely after that... like I always do, (I learned it from my ex-husband and his habits) but still try to give the benefit of the doubt of clouded judgement, and being lost.  Like I hope other do of me.  She went on to say she had been disowned by her family because they were religious, and she was a lesbian, and she left without notice to her family after her grandma died.  Which had affected her so much, she just bailed to another state... where she was mentally abused by her then wife... who later she claimed says her ex-wife didn't know if they were actually divorced.....  Ding Ding Ding.. more bells going off.  

So... after giving it my all, and with my all I do admit it was within my own perimeters, because I am a jaded person.. I finally left after two more betrayals, third time is a charm.  Ultimately, she lied.  She lied about one to many important issues.

I am coming out of my shell.  I am coming into where I want to be, and getting back to me.  I now have an outside friend who helps me work through things, not someone from work.  Which had been most of my life the past few many years.  I treasure this!  It is so needed, and a welcome change.

Will I overstress myself and try to write weekly... no, but I will commit to write at least once a month.  Covering one of the topics in my title.. I started it for a reason.  I am not perfect, and I am not innocent, but I did give the benefit of the doubt.  I am having a plan, and I hope it isn't just a manic high type of a situation, where I think I have something good happening, and just bail on it.  I have goals.. I want to get there.  I know I will have setbacks, but I will work to overcome them..

Happy Solstice!!!!!
Until the next time, and we talk about majick....
White Light and Blessing to All!  <3